No Map, No Wifi, Nobody.

I sought once. Just like Siddhartha and Santiago, I desperately searched for a path suited for me. As I have mentioned many times in previous blog posts and essays, fulfillment for me has been found through Jesus Christ.

People say you must walk in Christ, but in truth, sometimes I find it difficult to even stand with Christ. I know I’m supposed to, I know this is what will guide me, as He has been faithful to me before, I know He will not fail me now. But still, I’m at a standstill. I used to feel seen in my youth group I now feel alienated in. I fumble when I try to practice what I preach, a fraud when I give advice I know I need to take myself.  This bothers me. There is still more, a lesson I’m planned to learn.

I’m aching to reach ‘enlightenment’, to have everything in my life feel right, but it feels like I’m stuck on a long, winding road, with no map, no wifi, nobody.

They don’t talk about that in Siddhartha and The Alchemist, the reality of waiting. And for someone as impatient as me, it is excruciating. And I loathe it. The books do a great job describing the beauty of the key, life altering moments. However, they don’t linger on the slow, nearly intimate moments, the points where your journey has an ineffable expanse of nothingness, where your thoughts collapse in emptiness and you lack the desire to recollect them.

Maybe my problem is these books. Desperately wanting my life-altering moment to be found on the next page, when I’m really just reading a dry, overly factual, boring history textbook, offering knowledge but not that idyllic wisdom. Perhaps, the lesson God intends me to learn is patience. I don’t know. I don’t want it to be.

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